Rambling

Fear of Success

DECKS:  Compendium of Constellations and Cosmos Tarot + Oracle

DECKS: Compendium of Constellations and Cosmos Tarot + Oracle

I’ve talked about Imposter Syndrome many times both on the blog and on my social media, it’s something I struggle with on a daily basis in not just my tarot practice but with anything I do. The one thing I don’t hear people talk about often is the fear of success. I’m not writing this post to give you tips and tricks on how to overcome it, simply because I fear success and still struggle with it! This is a post basically saying that you are not alone and it is indeed a real thing!

Anytime I get a new idea, I get excited and start brainstorming. I can see my idea blossom in my mind, I can visualize people enjoying it and loving it, sharing it and using it. Then I start to worry about the what if’s...

  • What if I can’t handle the traffic it brings me?

  • What if I can’t keep the momentum going?

  • and the biggest one… What if I attract more people, which will attract trolls?

When it comes down to it, I fear trolls and asshole comments more than anything. I see the comments left on large following accounts on Instagram and it scares the crap out of me if I’m being honest. I don’t handle trolls well at all and most of the comments trigger my anxiety to no end. So I figure, rather than do something I really want to do and know that I’ll enjoy it, or hell, even help bring in more income… I just don’t do it at all, and that is not how it should be. This is something I know I need to work on and get past, it’s holding me back a lot more than I think. I also think it holds a lot more creative folx back as well!

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The fear of success outweighs my Imposter Syndrome and fear of failure on a massive scale! I’ve had many amazing opportunities land in my lap over the years, but the second I start letting my brain dwell on the “what could go right (not wrong)” is when I start to close up. When I ran my old website/blog Tarot Seed, I had some amazing shoutouts from people I admire and look up to in the tarot community. I had a chance to read for a very well known witch in the tarot sphere, who by the way gave me an amazing review! After each big moment happened, I noticed that I would fall into the same habit… close up and take a break. Simply put, I was hiding because I was afraid I was about to unlock a new level in my tarot practice or others might start to catch on and reach out to me for a feature or something like that.

I’m slowly starting to understand why I do what I do and why I struggle so much. I’m also starting to understand that it’s holding me back in big ways!

Most have noticed that I open, close and reopen my tarot services like the wind, it’s because of two reasons: Imposter Syndrome and the fear of success, plain and simple. While I’m on the subject… I am currently taking single card readings for just $5 and I’m trying my best to keep that service open and not close it up again. I enjoy giving readings and connecting with others through them, but doubt plays a big part in why I close my services up so quickly. I’m determined to not do that this time, unless I truly do get pretty swamped and need to catch up, haha!

Anyways, I just want to leave this post with saying if you fear success, I see you and I feel you! It’s hard to deal with, but I think recognizing it is the first step to conquering it. This is when the “fake it till you make it” mentality can really be handy! The Chariot comes to mind anytime I feel blocked, stuck or fearful. Take a deep breath and just go forward, even if you’re afraid. Know that whatever lands in your lap, landed their for a reason and you can handle it!


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Art, Life and everything in between!

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I’ve come to realize that I don’t use my blog as a personal space to write about my own day to day life, art, etc. I always tend to focus on writing for others, which is great but I would like to start adding more personal posts here and there. For awhile, I was trying to keep up a little art/life blog I started on the side, but I found it hard to keep tarot and my art separate as they’re both a fairly big part of my life and practice. I can’t talk about one without talking about the other, so why not bring some art to my blog?!

I present you with:
Art, Life and Everything in Between - random bits of my day to day life!

Ever since the second day of the new year, I have been working on art again. It’s been a few years… who am I kidding, it’s been at least 10+ years since I last picked up a paint brush. I used to paint from the minute I woke up all the way until the wee hours of the night. I lived and breathed art on a daily basis and had dreams of opening up my own indie art gallery. To be honest, I still would like that gallery… or at least a coffee shop that showcased local artists each month, that dream is still in my head!

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For the month of March, I’m thinking about committing to a full month of no social media, aside from a few exceptions that I need to keep up with on Instagram (not my account) since I’m part of a very rad team. I’ve come to realize that I am very attached to social media, like many! If I had to guess, I would say a couple hours (we’re talking more than a couple) would be me just endlessly scrolling on Instagram and Facebook, jumping from one app to the next and repeat. This is time that I could be using to create more art, clean the house, study a new deck or even create my own, read a book, write more on my blog (ahem) and get back to my morning yoga routine! I waste so much of my own time wondering what everyone else spends their time on, that’s not living… that’s living through others, Jess.

So what have I been up to lately?

TAROT STUFF:
I have two decks on order, one will be here tomorrow and the other will (hopefully) be here in 4-8 weeks… really hoping it’s closer to the 4 week mark and not the later! I would like to do a deck study of both decks, but one will be shared on the blog when it eventually arrives as I plan to go card-by-card and spill my own thoughts and interpretations out into each post (hint: it’s the Dark Mansion Tarot). The other deck, Albano Waite, will be a personal deck study that I plan to start this week! I’ve been in the mood for some RWS clones and the AW has been a deck on my wishlist since I started my tarot practice back in 2013. I’ll be sure to do a “first impressions” post this week of the Albano Waite Tarot!

ART STUFF:
It’s been a couple weeks since I last picked up my pens and watercolors, so I did some quick sketches today and played around with some ink washes I made a couple weeks ago (picture above). This week, I’m planning to do at least one sketch per day or at least commit to 30 min of painting/sketching each day. Creating art is when I’m the most happiest, with a pen in hand sketching. I dusted off my new sketchbook that only has a handful of sketches in it so far and I’m ready to go! I fell in love with urban sketching last month but it’s been hard to find some inspiration around town (I need to do some exploring), so I’ve been sticking to random still life studies and such.

EVERYTHING ELSE STUFF:
Slowly, I’ve been getting back into my astrology studies. I fell off track with my them, but since I got my software set up on my new laptop after switching from a MacBook, I’m ready to dive back in! I currently use the TimePassages software for my studies and love it! My husband bought me the basic version to start with for Xmas last year. Right now I’m focused mostly on the moon transits, but I like to keep an eye on the inner planets to see what they’re up to.

The New Moon in Pisces coming up on March 6th and will be sitting pretty in my 9th house - the house of philosophy, spirituality and travel. I’m planning to really kick start some self exploration of my path that has been going down a new route lately. I’ve been on the same pagan path since a teen and I’m feeling a massive shift to focus more on the planetary aspects rather than deities. As an atheist, I struggle with deity in my practice even if I see deity as archetypes and symbolic, I just struggle with it. I recently came across the term “astrolatry” and it blew my mind. Astrolatry is the worship of stars and other “heavenly” bodies as deity (in a nutshell). That lead me to finding a branch of witchcraft called “cosmic witchcraft” and let’s just say I have been inspired ever since. Not sure how I missed this, but glad I found it!

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Another “what’s new” with me is I’m diving back into my morning yoga practice. I have been really craving my yoga practice and more mindful mornings, but I’ve been too damn lazy to roll out my mat. Naturally. I pulled out my mat today and have it ready to roll out in the morning. I would leave it out over night but I don’t want my cat tearing it up, it’s not a cheap mat! One of my favorite things to do in the morning was to pull my card for the day and step onto the mat with that card in mind. I feel like I’m starting all over in my yoga practice and have no idea what I’m doing, it’s been a few years… but I’ll get back into the groove again I’m sure!

Ok, I think that is enough of what is going on with me, haha!! I could ramble all day!

Imposter Syndrome and Me

Yesterday, I was reading some articles on Imposter Syndrome (or Imposter Complex), something I struggle with constantly, and came across an article written on Little Read Tarot. The guest writer mentioned the Chariot when talking about Imposter Syndrome and it really clicked. The Chariot to me is all about finding the will and drive when you feel you have none. Grabbing control of the wheel (or reigns) and getting shit done, despite the nagging notion that you may not be cut out for this task or job. Grin and bear it!

Mars  card from the Secret Arcana Oracle

Mars card from the Secret Arcana Oracle

When I drew the Mars card this morning from the Secret Arcana for my daily draw, it reminded me of my own Imposter Syndrome and how I lack the drive and ambition to move past it on most days. This card also reminded me of the Emperor and King of Wands, as well as the Chariot. I feel like it's a good mix between these cards. You have power, ambition, will, and even some sexual energy tied up in there. I'm finding this is great energy to tap into when I'm doubting myself. We are our own worst critics and that often stands in the way of our personal success and even happiness.

The Chariot  from the Oliver Hibert Tarot

The Chariot from the Oliver Hibert Tarot

Nothing brings me more joy than to write on my blog and talk about tarot, but guess what, you would have never guessed that since I don't post nearly anything I write. I tend to retreat to sticking with weekly readings and deck reviews, it's a safe zone for me. I can't even count how many draft posts I have just waiting in the queue that will never see the light of day. I have taken down posts in the past and even deleted drafts after spending hours upon hours writing them. All because I doubt myself as a writer and as a tarot reader. The voice in my head is constantly telling me that I don't know what I'm doing, who am I to share my thoughts on tarot? This also happens to me every morning when I go to share my daily card readings on social media. My intuition goes into full swing and I get excited to share my thoughts about the card I just pulled but just before I hit "post" I start to question my skills as a tarot reader. I end up doing a lot of edits before I share my card post on most days. I'm constantly holding my breath, just waiting for someone to comment "you don't know what you are talking about, that card doesn't meant that".

I think a lot of tarot readers struggle with this but I don't see it being talked about enough. Sure, I see it mentioned in Facebook groups here and there, but it's more of a quick comment to a post or a question. I've been reading tarot for going on 6 years now, which is not very long to comparison: some days I feel like the Fool and other days I feel like the High Priestess. We all have our good days and bad days as a reader, despite how long we have been reading the cards for.

This card, Mars, really gave me a sense of control this morning and gave me a boost to really face what I struggle with and bring it out into the light. All of what I have written here is exactly why I never post more on my blog and why I'm always adding "... I'll talk more on this in another post" to a blog post, and never do. Today, I set some intentions under the New Moon in Taurus and one of those intentions was: BE AUTHENTICALLY ME. This means be true to myself and honor my thoughts, even the owns I struggle to get out into the open.

Here's to me sharing more on the blog!